wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
