I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
