I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
