whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
