I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
