highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
