Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
