my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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