When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
