Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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