What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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