____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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