Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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