It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
