I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
