I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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