He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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