Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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