my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
