those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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