Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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