I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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