Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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