mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
