So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
