PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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