Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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