you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
