People in love make me want to vomit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
