If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
