if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's just like the Real World with babies
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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