my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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