feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
