They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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