So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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