I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
