sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
