i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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