every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
