Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
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