The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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