Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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