i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
