Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
