dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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