I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
