My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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