Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
