He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
