If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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